If This Cardinal Doesn’t Get the Vote, I’m Leaving the Catholic Church

11 Mar

You can keep your  Scolas, your Dolans, your Schonbörn with the fancy pants umlaut over the “o” and all that. I’m putting every last dime of my savings on His Beatitude Moran Mor Baselios Cardinal Cleemis Catholicos.


And can’t you just smell the fear in the Curia? If only because Cleemis is the only Cardinal at the Conclave who wields a scimitar? I’m telling you all: this man is IT. The Conclave is over before it begins! Call off the dogs! No, they aren’t going to vote for Bertone–he’s a Company Man. And, no, they aren’t going to vote for Peter Turkson–that would only confirm St. Malachy’s prophecies about the last pope and then we’d all be doomed; the Cardinals aren’t stupid, you know.

I don’t care if you like Piacenza–he cannot defeat Cleemis. I don’t care if you’re koo-koo for Coccopalmerio–he cannot defeat Cleemis. It’s Cleemis, I tell you! He’s the next Pope! He’s the best-dressed Cardinal at the Conclave. Open your eyes, people!!!

Note: as per legal counsel, the author of this post reserves the right to delete this post on the day of the election. Thank you.


6 Responses to “If This Cardinal Doesn’t Get the Vote, I’m Leaving the Catholic Church”

  1. Anon March 11, 2013 at 11:00 am #

    The umlaut is on the first ‘O’, not the second.

    • Dan Lord March 11, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

      Ack! Now readers won’t take me seriously! You’re evisceramating me, Anon!

  2. José March 11, 2013 at 11:03 am #

    You´re betting big, man, you never know where the Spirit blows, always surprising.

    • Dan Lord March 11, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      Thanks for the support, Jose–sorry I can’t put the tilde over your “e”.

      • José March 12, 2013 at 6:52 am #

        No worries. It´s funny because in the pools, at least here is Spain, this man is not even mentioned. For mi it´s ok. I´m fond of that land. One of my best friends is from Kerala.
        Let´s trust in the Paraclete.

  3. John son of John March 13, 2013 at 3:34 pm #

    well then ….

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